


Tale as old as time (about 6000 years am I right)

by Nenchen



Category: Beauty and the Beast - All Media Types, Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Aziraphale is NOT afraid of giant snakes, Beauty and the Beast AU, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Flirtatious Aziraphale, Fluff and Crack, Giant snake is VERY puzzled by cute man, Human AU, Humor, I wrote this until 2 am, M/M, MILD - Freeform, No pressure from the curse, Nudity, Sexual Humor, because else its even harder to write and i just cant be bothered sorry, briefly mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-09 21:36:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20516810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nenchen/pseuds/Nenchen
Summary: Aziraphale really does not want to disappoint his lovely niece, Anathema, that only wished for one certain plant. What a lucky coincidence that it seems to be growing in this abandoned castle. What could go wrong with borrowing some of it? Surely the owner wouldn't mind...





	Tale as old as time (about 6000 years am I right)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Wheel_of_fortune](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wheel_of_fortune/gifts).

> This fic is dedicated to this [lovely, lovely picture](https://wheeloffortune-design.tumblr.com/post/187466061560/beauty-and-the-beast-au-shut-up-i-havent).
> 
> Now edited with nicer formatting, some better wordings and linked footnotes!

Aziraphale was merrily making his way through the forest. He had found all the books he had been searching for on his way through the neighboring cities and was now on his way home where his niece, Anathema would surely await him with a pot of tea for another few hours of reading before nighttime. The only weight on his mind was that he hadn’t found the plant Anathema had asked him for. She needed it for a new spell she’d been wanting to try. He had asked everywhere, but they had kept telling him (rather rudely) that it was apparently “a houseplant” and “impossible to find anywhere in the middle of fucking winter”. When he had told them that there was no need for that kind of language, they had had the GALL to slam their doors into his face!

Well, he truly had tried. And he’d found a near complete version of her favorite book, The Nice and Accurate prophecies of Agnes Nutter (Witch), which should cheer her up. He was hurrying along to get home soon,[1] when he tripped on something. A look down revealed the something to be a plant, a plant that was just a tad to green and lush and generally alive for the middle of winter in a snow-filled, pretty much dead forest. When he looked up, he saw the plant came out from behind a tall metal fence. A fence around a castle he was pretty sure he had never passed before, and that, according to all of the records and maps he owned, frankly shouldn’t be there. His sharp mind concluded the obvious: A magical castle. How lovely! With all of the broken windows and peeling paint, it appeared to be deserted.

Closer examination revealed the plant he’d found to be a close relative to the one Anathema wanted. Now, normally, Aziraphale would not even think to go onto someone else’s property. But trespassing an empty castle wasn’t that bad. After all someone had to go and take a look and see about the structural integrity of the thing. And taking plant samples was just scientific progress. Decision reached, he simply climbed over the fence. Or it would have been simple, if his coat hadn’t caught on the top and ripped! And he’d kept it in such pristine condition over the years!! He huffed angrily. A bit miffed, he got on with his journey around the garden. No use crying over spilt milk, especially when there was nobody to listen and pity him.

When he rounded the corner and found exactly the plant he’d been looking for, his face lit up again. The sacrifice hadn’t been for naught! 

As he proceeded to take a knife out of his pocket and sample some of the plant, he heard the snow crunching ominously behind him. He did not turn because ominous noises and suchlike was to be expected in a magical castle.

What was however unusual for an empty castle was the voice.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE CUTTING MY -” 

Aziraphale turned and stood face to face with a giant snake. The snake, faced with Aziraphale, aborted the original sentence and decided to go with “ngk” instead. 

“Oh dear, I am terribly sorry. I assumed the castle to be empty as it usually is with magic castles. And with the broken windows and all that,” He said, smiling angelically.

“WELL IT’S NOT- wait, why did you assume it’s a magical castle?”

“I know it’s not on any maps. The garden is flourishing in the middle of winter, and now there is a serpent who about four times my length and able to talk. Forgive me if I am wrong, but the conclusion was obvious.”

“Excuse you, I am doing a lot for this garden, don’t just assume it’s magic. Do you even know how many hours I have to scream at them, so they don’t dare to wither in this weather?!” the snake said, slowly backing him up against the wall, probably trying to seem menacing. 

His? Yes, his scales were a rather lovely sight close up, so Aziraphale completely missed the point of the maneuver in favor of admiring them.

“Your scales are breathtaking,” He murmured. 

The snake man countered this with an aborted sound. 

“Don’t just change the subject! Flattery doesn’t work right after an insult.”

“Well then my dear, I shall try flattering you again later. For now, how about we share this fine vintage I found today, in apology? Let us go inside.”

Aziraphale brushed off the argument and past a dumbstruck snake man towards the entrance of the castle. If snakes could blink this one would have done so, confusedly. But he did like wine, and he didn’t like the cold and he was way too cool to let anyone take him by surprise, so he followed suit. 

“Wine sounds good, angel.” 

WHY HAD HE SAID THAT PLAY IT SMOOTH, YES SMOOTH YOU’RE A SNAKE AND YOU’RE AS SMOOTH AS YOUR SCALES! 

“But let me give you the grand tour first. You must know this is a cursed castle, not a magical one. You’ll want to keep close to me, uh – angel.” 

Ah, his human form could have delivered that line better. Lines like that just worked better with a wink. 

Slithering past the other, intentionally accidentally brushing against him, he opened the door and held it open with the tip of his tail, looking back at his guest. He’d always been suave and charming, and he would not be bested by anyone. Not that there was another reason he would want to flirt with this beautiful cherubic man. Nope. 

Said angel stared at him in horror. But before Crowley could wonder about it, he already spoke up. 

“Oh, I am dreadfully sorry for not telling you my name! How rude of me, my dear. I am Aziraphale. And what may I call you?”

“…Crowley,” said Crowley, baffled by this very simple human interaction, seeing as he wasn’t human anymore. 

This guy was just raking up points against him. His only solace was that his snake form was physically unable to blush. Though, at the moment, it seemed pretty much unable to move too.

“Delighted to make your aquaintance, Crowley! Now, let’s get a wiggle on!” Aziraphale said, striding past a stunned snake for the second time. 

But there was wine waiting (and some good company too), so Crowley did, as it comes easy to a snake, get a wiggle on.

* * *

Anathema had been fighting her way on her beloved horse Phaeton through a winterly forest for about an hour, fighting off the blistering cold (and some wolves), when finally her spell showed her destination was close. She was really worried about her uncle. He was so smart, but for someone so smart he could be so stupid sometimes. Something weird must have happened for him not to come home after dark and she would NOT lose him. So she rode on in the direction the pendulum was showing.

Looking up, she was faced with a gate to a… flourishing garden. 

“Ah, a magical castle. Better be careful going in there.”, she thought, prepping some spells in advance. Some castles had beasts inside them, so it was better to be safe than sorry.

Easily climbing over the gate and in through a broken window, Anathema took great care to move without making a sound, closer and closer to the point te pendulum lead her to. Light was shining out of a room into the dark corridor, and a hissing voice could be heard from within. And someone answering. Aziraphale’s voice!

She stormed into the room, ready to fight anyone and anything but abruptly stopped at the scene unfolding in front of her. Her uncle, cheeks rosy from laughter (and probably the empty bottles and full glass of wine in his hand) was laughing at a gigantic snake. Which was chugging an entire bottle of wine all by itself. She put her hands on her hips, doing her best to deliver an unimpressed glare. 

“Uncle Aziraphale.”

Her uncle turned towards her with a guilty looking little smile. 

“Oh, Anathema! Is it this late already? I am terribly sorry to have worried you, but my dear Crowley over there had to show me his castle and I must have forgotten the time over all the fun we had. The feast was simply scrumptious, and they sang such a lovely song while serving it, some kind of bebop I think, and then he showed me his library, oh you need to see it, it is truly enormous, not that size matters as I always tell you but such rare books too, and in pristine condition, and I had promised him some wine in exchange for that plant you wanted, you see, and then he dug out some of his own vintages, and dear, I am rambling aren’t I but he’s just been such good company that I just forgot to watch the clock. It would be rude to stare at it too often anyways, seeing as it’s alive.” 

He stopped his rambling to counter her (glaringly) glare with that innocent smile of his that was very much not innocent. 

The snake meanwhile had dropped his bottle during the ramble and was watching him ramble with as much of a smirk a snake can muster. She sighed, dropping her hands to assume a more relaxed posture. 

“And what’s your deal?” she said with a raised eyebrow, looking at him. 

Her uncle let out a scandalized gasp.

“Anathema, it is rude to ask something like-” 

“Cursed for vanity,” The snake answered, with a glance in Aziraphale’s direction. 

Knowing her uncle as well as she did, she guessed (and she guessed correctly) that he’d went and done quite some things that were normally considered rude, like stealing plants and inviting himself into the place. The snake man didn’t seem to mind though, considering his very amused aura.

“Oh.” She said. “Do you want me to fix that for you?”

The snakes head turned towards her, fast as a whip. 

“WHA?!”

“I am a witch. Actually, the plant I wanted my uncle to get for me is for a curse breaking spell. And the rest should be pretty much all standard stuff,” She stated.

The snake’s head went from looking to her, to her uncle, and back to her as if he were watching a ping pong match. (Whatever that was. She’d learned the phrase from Agnes’ book and felt it fit the situation.) 

“Oh. Yes, that would be terrific.” 

His tone was disbelieving. She’d bet the witch that cursed him had told him some bullshit about overcoming his faults or true love. 

“Ok. Plant,” She said, one hand already rummaging around in her satchel for the things she needed, one hand extended towards her uncle. 

“Oh yes, of course, here you go.” 

She took it and started murmuring, making calculations and drawing a modified pentagram, filling it with her materials. She only stopped once to ask Crowley what kind of snake he was and how tall he had been as a human.[2] When she was finally done they were deep into another wine-soaked conversation. Something about dolphins. She rolled her eyes. 

“I am done now.” 

Crowley continued to laugh at something her uncle had said, completely ignoring her. She sighed. 

“Fuck it I’ll just do it,” she decided. 

It was nearly morning already and she was beyond tired. Stepping into the circle she said the words, turned and went out of the door. Surely somewhere in this gigantic castle there was a bed. She barely registered the high-pitched squeak coming out of the room she had just left. Her uncle could surely deal with it himself. 

In the corridor, the newly humanized servants were swarming her, all expressing their gratitude towards her, trying to rope her into celebrations of various kinds. She blinked, the slow way only a truly tired person could. Why did people always have to be so disregarding of her needs in their gratitude. 

Finally, one young man seemed to notice her distress and offered to show her the bedrooms. 

“Ohhh, I love you,” She joked as he helped her haul herself into to the nearest bed. 

And promptly fell asleep. A pity, because she would have been very entertained by the shade his face had taken on. 

There was only one person in the castle that wore a deeper red than him. Crowley, former snake man, now man man was bathed in a crimson similar to the tone of his former form’s underbelly. Aziraphale, too, was blushing more furiously than he’d been all evening. 

This was because Anathema, in her sleep deprived state, had not registered that the snake man, while dressed in noble robes, was not (and could not be) dressed in the matching pants. Thus, the sudden transformation had resulted two very red-faced men, not facing each other, sitting on the couch very still and stiff, both with their jackets in their laps.

Crowley tried to smooth out the situation with his natural charm. 

“Ngk.”

“Well. That was rather,” Aziraphale answered and looked over to the most charming man he’d ever met. 

Who still looked down on his feet, rather intently. Aziraphale smiled softly and poked his shoulder, which made his eyes snap up to look back at him. They stared into each other’s eyes for two full seconds before breaking down into hysterical laughter. The tension broken, Crowley took on a more relaxed position on the couch, grinning at the other. 

“So, I am guessing you want my library as your reward? You looked ready to move in at that part of the grand tour,” He joked.

“Reward?” Aziraphale blushed. 

“I could never take a reward for helping you, my dear. Just take it as a kindness between neighbors.”

“No, no, really, I insist. Here I was thinking I was a literally damned snake for the rest of my life and then you waltz in, with your niceness and your wine and just, boom, solve that little problem for me. You deserve a reward. Choose whatever you want, angel,” Crowley drawled. 

When he didn’t get an answer, he glanced over to his side, where the other had taken on a thoughtful expression. Before he could ask about it, Aziraphale interrupted him with a smile on his lips.

“Well, my dear. From my reading I understood it is common courtesy of the damsel in distress to give their savior a kiss.” 

He glanced over at Crowley with a smug expression that only deepened at the answer.

“DAMSEL IN wait ngk?!”

“Only if it is alright with you of course, my dear.”

“IF IT’S ALRIGHT WITH ME WHAT DO YOU EVEN- I MEAN OF COURSE OF COURSE BUT ISN’T THE RIGHT ORDER KISS AND THEN TRANSFORMATION AND NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND AND-” 

Again, Crowley was interrupted. Though, this time, his brain short-circuited not by itself, but because of a very soft pair of lips on his. His eyes fluttered shut as words (and some soft sounds) escaped him.

When they stopped again, he grinned wildly. 

“You are a bit of a bastard, you know that, angel?”

Said angel returned the grin even wider. 

“My dear, I’d argue, just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing.”

**Author's Note:**

> **1 ** He never could be away for too long, lest that fool Gabriel would ask for his nieces’ hand in marriage again. Not that she couldn’t or wouldn’t say no herself, no, he just couldn’t bail her out of another case of attempted manslaughter. [return to text]  

> 
> **2 ** "Almost 1,90 m!" he had answered and made a weird expression towards her uncle that left the distinct impression of an incredibly bad attempt at winking.  
She had continued to stare at him, unimpressed, until he had admitted it to be 1,80 and one millimeter. [return to text]  
I'd love to get some comments! If you don't know what to comment, just copy your favorite lines or do a generic keysmash. What's good enough for Crowley is good enough for me!
> 
> Come visit my tumblr at [goodduckingomens](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/goodduckingomens).  



End file.
